she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
