I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this just has baby written all over it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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