All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
