We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize