laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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