does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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