May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
