I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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