Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
