I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
