i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
