I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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