there's paper in my vomit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
