So drunk its hurt
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
