I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
