Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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