Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
they're like a gay fantastic four
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
