I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
