Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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