Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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