the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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