you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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