He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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