life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
