My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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