That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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