I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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