i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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