i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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