My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
