I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
