Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
