we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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