This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
