is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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