Do you still have your period?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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