He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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