Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
