Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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