The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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