Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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