hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
