id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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