i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
