Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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