Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
