Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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