haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
