I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She made me pour olive oil on her.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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