Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
