I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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