can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
