I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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