Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
