when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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