dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
