I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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