I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
