its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
