Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
