Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
