dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
