I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
