I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
