well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
