Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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