She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
